City Tales

Stand up comedy

2010-10-07T09:37:00.000-07:00

If you can`t think of anything funny about São Paulo, think about English teachers. Aren’t they funny creatures?
These teachers are everywhere in the city. Anyone with a decent level of English (which may vary) and no shame can do it. You are still in college and have no job, do you know English? There you are. You lost your job and have nowhere to go? Do you know English? Why not to teach? You are 18, just finished your English course and have no idea of what to do with your life? I wouldn`t be surprised if you are offered a job at the very same English school you just graduated. The hours are flexible, you`ll find job offers anywhere, at any time (and chances double by the beginning of the semester)… it`s not that bad, is it?
Have you ever noticed how English teachers are always so confident? You can ask them anything and they deliver the answer right the way. They might not know what they`re talking about, but they seem to know everything from the top of their heads.
What about “okay”? This tiny simple word haunts almost every teacher. I only say “almost” because if it isn`t “okay”, it`s “right?”, “understand?”, or something like that. So the teacher gives a detailed explanation of what the heck the students are supposed to do in that exercise. Then, sweating nervously - but never showing so, of course – he asks the students: “okay?” And he will stare, no kidding, STARE at the students until they finally say “okay” back. They probably don’t have the slightest idea of what the teacher just said, but they always answer “okay” and the teacher breaths out. It`s part of the ritual. Deep inside they know the teacher is about to freak out if they simply stare back with their customary puzzled expression. They instinctively say the magic word and the class may continue.
So you turn to your basic students: “turn the page but don`t unfold. If you are student B, though, you unfold the page but do not show student A. Student A will ask the questions that only student C has the answers, but student C don`t answer, only student B. Then student B asks students A and C the questions from the unfolded part, not the A part. Student C will then add the score and the students with least points at end of questionnaire C wins… okay?” Okay! The students will then do whatever they think they should and will soon learn to ignore the teacher`s instructions.

Freedom of Speech

2010-05-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

As I watch this huge, and considered extremely polemic, journalistic piece on CNN about the repercussions of religion based jokes online, I wonder if something like that will ever happen in Brazil. It all started when some guy, claiming to be defending freedom of speech, created that page on Facebook encouraging people to draw caricatures of the prophet Mohammed. What happened next was that millions of muslins started a huge protest against Facebook for allowing this offence to their religion, and the man who started it is receiving more and more death-threat e-mails. Maybe is not a new thing for the middle-east that joking is becoming a crime. But for a country like Brazil, in which people fought, about 40 years ago, for their freedom of speech during a military dictatorship, that extreme opposite situation sounds very strange.
There was a time in Brazil, that you wouldn`t be allowed to speak up your mind, providing, of course, that you have something to say against the government or the Brazilian society, the military system, the censorship or anything too political. The International music festival in Rio de Janeiro, 1968, where the musician Caetano Veloso tried to sing his protest song, which translated to English means “It is forbidden to forbid”, illustrates what I`m saying. Less than one year after that, Caetano, who had already been arrested, ran for exile in Europe, along with many other artists of the time. The severe punishment of the government, including kidnaps and torture, caused university students to go on the streets protesting. It took many of those protests and political actions until Brazil`s freedom of speech was finally brought back. There were many deaths and traumas in the process and dozens of people are still missing.
Now that we can talk and joke about pretty much anything, I turn on the TV to see people protesting against freedom of speech! I guess people are never satisfied, are they?

Robbery

2010-04-25T15:25:00.000-07:00

If you like big cities, São Paulo is a great place to live. Loads of things to do, awesome nightlife, expositions, parties, crazy people everywhere and art is all over the city. But as one of the biggest cities in the world, Sao Paulo has its problems too. One of them, that is probably among the most serious ones, is the crime. Although crime could happen anywhere, in a huge city with millions of people living together, it tends to happen more often. Robbery is no exception. Last time I read news about it, they announced that something around 80.000 cases of robbery, of all kinds, happen per semester in the city. Statistically thinking, if you are part of the 18 million “paulistanos” who spent most part of their lives in the city, you`re more likely to be killed by lightning than die without ever being robbed. So if you are not part of that statistic yet, you should be worried!
That`s how I used to feel every time someone got robbed, worried. If you ever get robbed in Sao Paulo and tell anyone about it, you will notice how the group of people around you will raise, as they each tell their own exciting robbery stories. It felt strange every time they looked at me expecting a story and I simply had nothing to tell. I was the lucky one. But everyone knew, and I knew it well myself, that sooner or later I`d either get robbed or struck by lightning. All I had left was the expectation: when is it going to happen?
When the time came I was well prepared. It was 3 in the afternoon, the sun was shining. I was on my way to work, pretty distracted, and didn`t realize how deserted that street was. I felt someone walking past me, so I looked only in time to hear him say: “I just want your wallet and your cell-phone”. At this point you feel like someone just punched your stomach, but I remained calm. I noticed the second man behind me and evaluated my chances. The street was completely empty. For some reason not even cars were passing by. So I decided there was no point on running or screaming. I always planned what I would do if I saw myself in that situation, but I never actually thought I would put it in practice. I realized then, that plan B was on. I would have a lot of trouble substituting all the documents and cards I had in my wallet, so I announced to have medicine in my wallet, and asked if I could give them just the money. The guy in front of me seemed to hesitate as I calmly negotiated with my robbers. The other one behind me simply said: “Yeah, let her keep the medicine, we`ll take the money”. The other one agreed, as I took 12 bucks out of my wallet. “That`s all I have”, I said, while one of them tried to reach for my phone in my purse. “Ok”, one of them said, “here, keep two”, and he handed me 2 Reais back. I didn`t know what to say, so I said “thank you”, realizing the other one had not only found my phone, but also my Ipod. They disappeared behind some trees, telling me to keep walking.
After stopping at a cafeteria to call the mobile company to block my stolen phone, I got to work with that “I can`t believe it finally happened” expression on my face and told my story to my co-workers. Someone bought me a pastry and a soda, and we were soon telling each other our stories. It almost felt like a celebration, I had finally become statistically normal.

Wally Walrus

2010-03-11T09:31:00.000-08:00

The TV was on while my sister had lunch and I checked my e-mails on my laptop. The channel was Globo News, Guido Mantega was talking about the Brazilian economy. I can`t remember any word of what he was saying, and even if I had the will or interest to pay attention, I don`t think I would. I wondered if anyone could speak in such a boring way. I was surprised to find my sister watching it. And even more surprised when I noticed she was actually paying attention and looked very interested. When she noticed me staring at her, she started:
- Look at that guy, on the back. – There were two men standing behind the politician – The one with the mustache.
- What about him?
- Do you think he`s asleep?
- I wouldn`t be surprised, this is unbearably boring.
The mustache guy was a bit chubby and wore glasses. His hair and mustache were dark brown, although he appeared to be over 50. Maybe he dyed his hair. About five minutes passed before we first saw him moving.
- There, he`s not asleep – I assured her, although with those glasses we couldn`t tell whether his eyes were open or not.
- I bet he`s thinking of last night`s barbeque: “I could use some of that beef right now”.
- Yeah, like: “I think I`m going to call my wife after this session and ask her to make some for dinner”.
- “Oh, is this ever going to end? Maybe I should just stop by that McDonalds drive-thru and buy a meal. Oh, right, they have that Sunday deal… hum Sunday.”
At that exact moment he actually licked his lips. It was very subtle, but it caused us to laugh uncontrollably. We kept on translating his thoughts.
- “Man, I`m so hungry! It`s lunch time and this guy won`t stop talking.” – I said.
- “Oh, I almost forgot I`m on TV. Maybe they can see my annoyance. Maybe my wife is watching. I`ll send her a text, nobody will notice.”
- Do you think he would?
- No, I think he remembered he was hungry and forgot about his wife.
- Or maybe he`s just thinking of telling her what to cook.
- Or he`s thinking: “I`m going to get that Wood-Pecker!”
Another wave of uncontrolled laughs. He did look a lot like Wally Walrus, the character from Woody Wood-Pecker, one of the most popular cartoons in Brazil during our childhood.
We kept on dubbing the guy`s thoughts, now trying to imitate Wally Walrus`s voice, when we realized we had been watching that for over 20 minutes.
- You know what? – my sister got finally bored – Friends is on.
- Right, I`ll switch to Warner channel.

World Cup

2010-02-28T07:14:00.000-08:00

I was 6 when Brazil became a Champion for the fourth time in the World Cup. I have never been a fan of Soccer and I didn`t really understand what was going on. But I went along with my family and friends and dressed up in green and yellow to go to school. On the dates of the games, of course, we went home earlier to watch it live on TV. We stayed in school for about 2 hours and went out to see the stores closing, the bars crowded and people singing the typical Brazilian songs we sing when we cheer. It was all very exciting. We didn`t have to stay in school and we were allowed to yell and jump and party during the day. I decided I loved the world cup.
That happens every four years. It doesn`t matter if you don`t even like Soccer, when the world cup comes, you will watch every game along with the rest of the country, cheer like a fanatic, sing along and swear when necessary. It`s such an energy it`s really hard to avoid it, even if you tried. Try to ignore a game and get going with your life and you`ll bump into closed banks, stores, restaurants (if they don`t have a big screen to watch the game with the costumers) and any other company.
During the 2006 Cup I was working for a 24-hour call center, for a credit card company. We couldn`t leave the phone so we took turns watching the games. Someone brought a big TV over and half of us could take the day off, arrive late, and do anything to be able to watch the game. We would even celebrate with the costumer on the phone, or ask them how the game was. Of course they were watching the game and only called for emergencies or during the breaks. For every score and for every game we won, we could celebrate with strangers, on the bus on the way home or even on the streets.
I can`t think of anywhere in the world where something like this happens. There is the Super Bowl and many major holidays around the world. But nothing is like the World Cup for Brazil. Such an energy, such a union, I can`t compare to anything. I can`t wait for this year`s Cup, I know is going to be exciting, fun and emotional. If you get the chance to come to Brazil to witness that phenomenon, I promise you won`t regret.

Human Bus Behavior

2010-02-19T15:59:00.001-08:00

After years of frequent use of the public transportation in São Paulo, and in a city like this you do spend a lot of time in a bus, I noticed a pattern in how people behave. And this pattern is restricted to buses and its user’s majority; I want to make this clear. I`d like to describe my theory here, and you are welcome to give your opinion about whether I`m right or wrong. Let`s start by the bus stop.
The bus stop is a great spot for reflection. You are just standing there so you are free to think. A million thoughts go through our minds while we are waiting for the bus. And the most interesting thing is that most of these thoughts are related to the bus we are waiting for. If the bus is taking too long, you wonder if you are on the right stop, maybe they`ve changed the route and you don`t know. Then you remember this bus always takes a while, so maybe you should take that other bus and get down on the main avenue where you`ve got more options. But maybe if you take that bus, the one you need will come right after and you will lose the chance to get it. But you are so late already, what if it takes too long? Finally, the bus you need arrives first, and you are taken by a warm feeling in your chest. It`s a momentary feeling of accomplishment, you feel your day started just great and can only get better. You step in the bus and smile to the driver. You are still thrilling when you touch your bus card and pass the ratchet, but then a new stage starts.
It`s time to pick your seat. On this part your subconscious starts working and it follows a sequence of rules so you can pick your seat quickly. You don`t want to take too long or people might notice and be offended because you didn`t pick the available seat next to them. You just take a quick look around and make it look like you chose it randomly, but you are actually minutely picking the most appropriate spot for you. The first rule to follow is: you always take the seat as far as you can from other people in the bus. If you look inside a bus half full of people, you will probably notice the pattern between the empty seats: they are spread. This rule, as any other, has exceptions. One of them is for the hot sunny days. In this case, people tend to avoid the sunny side of the bus and look for a seat on the shade. Eventually, though, the bus will make a turn and all will be back to normal.
The second rule is different for men and women. This stage is based on the people already seated, when there aren`t many available seats. If you are a man, you are going to first look for a seat next to a woman. If this option is not available, you look for a seat next to a man. Last of all, and you only take this one when there is no other option left, you sit next to a good-looking woman. Many men will probably disagree with me on this one. But this is merely their subconscious part of the brain working. Good-looking women are a threat for men, knowing that, they feel very insecure next to them. First of all these women are too confident. For them, in a public transportation, any man is a pervert until the contrary is proven. If, when the bus shakes, he accidently touches the pretty girl next to him, he will be attacked by her censorship look. She might even pretend to be next to her stop, stand up and move to another part of the bus. That kind of situation messes with a man`s confidence, so he tries to avoid it by avoiding the seat next to that girl he considers attractive.
As I mentioned before, the second rule is different for women. They also look for a seat next to another woman first. Then, if they can`t avoid seating next to a man, they look for the most well-dressed and good-looking one to seat next to. It`s not because they are interested in meeting this guy, and it`s not because he`s attractive. In her subconscious mind, that guy is less likely to be a pervert. It`s a very simple rule, I noticed it applies to most women. If we observe a considerably full bus, we will see that, in most cases, the empty seats are next to good-looking women and bad-looking men. I was as well astonished when I realized how the second rule works, but after much observation I can assure you it`s real.
The third rule can also be used as a trick by the ones who like to travel alone. If a person looks right at you when you get in the bus, and you don`t know this person, you won`t seat next to him/her. This person might be possibly staring, and that means it`s a freak or a pervert. You don`t want to seat next to any of those. Besides, if there is visual contact, it is more likely to be interaction between these people. People want to be left alone in the bus, they don`t want to be talking to a stranger the whole trip. Of course there are exceptions, some people are lonely and some people are just very social. But it works for most of the cases. So if you have an empty seat next to you and you want it to remain like this, all you have to do is stare. Look in the eyes of every individual who passes the ratchet. If you are a woman, thought, you need to be very careful not to stare too long. Some men might see it as a sign you are interested and not only seat next to you but actually start a conversation.

2010-02-19T14:24:00.000-08:00

The new heading picture was taken by my sister, Lila, from our apartment`s balcony. We do have a great view of the sunrise and I am gonna miss it when they build a couple more buildings around ours.

Credit Card

2010-02-17T07:47:00.000-08:00

I was already pissed off when I answered the phone. I finally had some time to take an afternoon nap before I go back to work, but the phone had to ring right when I closed my eyes.
- Hello.
- Hello, can I talk to Susan Barbosa, please?
- Speaking.
- Hi, Senhora Susan, my name is Cesar. I must tell you that, for your own security, this call is going to be recorded. Is that ok, Senhora Susan?
- Yeah.
- I`m calling in name of Itaú bank, to let you know that we are going to be sending you a brand new credit card and it is going to be arriving at your home in 15 days. Is that ok, Senhora Susan?
I didn`t know if I should be angry by the “Senhora Susan” - which in Portuguese sounds like he`s talking to an old lady, - by the frequent “going to”, by the fact he made me get up for that, by the fact he talked to me as if I had difficulty understanding him (like an old lady) or by the annoying argument I knew I was about to have with poor Cesar. But it is not his fault, really, so I continued.
- So the card is going to get here and I`ll have to pay its fee.
- No, Senhora Susan, we are sending it for free.
- But there are fees every month, right? As any credit card.
- That`s right, Senhora Susan, it`s only 4,50 a month.
- Well, I don`t want it.
- It`s all right, Senhora Susan. We are going to be sending the card, that is going to be arriving in 15 days, and if you choose not to use it, you don`t have to. For the card to work, you need to call us and unblock it. If you don`t do that, we won`t charge you.
- Don`t I have to cancel it? I heard of many cases like that, you send the card and the person just ignores it or throw it away, and then by the end of the month the bill arrives.
- That is not going to happen, Senhora Susan, if you don`t unblock the card, there is no charge.
- So I don`t have to call and cancel, do I?
- No, senhora Susan, you don`t.
- Are you sure about that? What`s your name again?
- It`s Cesar.
- Are you sure about that, Cesar? Isn`t this call being recorded?
- Yes, Senhora, I am sure. And yes, the call is being recorded.
- So you guarantee there won`t be any charges, no headaches over canceling cards I didn`t ask for…
- Don`t worry, Senhora Susan.
- Ok.
After all that talk about cards, I thought our conversation was over. He was just a messenger after all, he needed to communicate the card was being sent and that was actually nice. But I was wrong.
- Ok, Senhora Susan. Can I confirm your home address please?
- What?
- I need to confirm your home address to send you the credit card.
He was a seller after all.
- So you haven`t sent it yet? How do you even have my address? I don`t have an account in this bank and I never requested a credit card.
He wouldn`t give up now, he was halfway through.
- Senhora Susan, do you still live on Tonelorio street?
I was so relieved, he got my address wrong. I actually lived on Toneleiros, but I would never let him know that.
- No, that`s not where I live. And why would you send me a card if I just told you I won`t use it?
- It`s just a trial, Senhora Susan, have I mentioned the advantages of this card? Do you know about the miles program?
- Yes, I do! It`s the same with every freaking credit card of any freaking bank! I`m not stupid, Cesar, I know how a credit card works! I know the advantages, and I also know the disadvantages! And based on my knowledge I refuse your offer. Is that ok, Senhor Cesar?
- But, Senh…
- Don`t send me the card! This call is being recorded! I hope you don`t send anything against my will, Cesar, that could cost you your job!
- No, Senhora Susan, listen, if you would just give me a chance…
- I don`t want any credit card, I`m happy with mine, are we clear?
- Yes.
- Thank you, have a nice day.
…

Rick the Ping Pong Star

2010-02-08T08:46:00.000-08:00

Enzo wasn`t very excited as he walked up the stairs to the 5th floor of Modulo high school. He knew what he was about to confront. He had been going from class to class all morning, recruiting kids to the school`s Olympics. Everything was going well so far, but now it was time for the “problematic” class, to quote the principal, to be asked to take part on one of the most important events of the school. If he could simply ignore that class he would, but he had to make sure every class would get the chance to participate.
The philosophy teacher didn`t mind at all Enzo`s interruption. He was barely interrupting anything; the students were doing anything but paying attention to the lesson. It took a while for them to notice Enzo standing there, and some struggle from the teacher to get their attention to him. When everybody quieted down, he started:
- Good morning, everybody! As you all know, every year, we have the school`s Olympics and I`m here to know which of you will represent your class in each sport. – he heard some boring sighs – Well let`s make this quick, shall we? When I say the name of the sport you`d like to compete just raise your hand, ok?
Two or three of the 36 students gave a sign to be listening, so he continued:
- Volleyball; - he looked over his clip board, no answer – Soccer; – a few boys raised their hands, barely enough to make a team – Basketball; Dodge ball; Race; - he kept listing the many sports with no answer at all from the students and was already putting his papers away when he finally said – Ping pong.

He wouldn`t realize someone had volunteered if it wasn`t for the student`s cheering screams coming from all over the class. He turned around to see Rick, the class`s pet, with one hand up, looking straight at him. Enzo couldn`t tell if that was some kind of joke, or if he was just going to ask the teacher a question, as he often did, or if Rick actually wanted to play ping pong. Well, if it was any of the first options, it soon became the third. The students were cheering so loud, yelling Rick`s name and making a party out of the situation; that made Rick feel so wanted that he couldn’t say no to ping pong.
The rest of the students were as puzzled as Enzo. Rick wasn`t sportive at all and the general opinion was that he was a very awkward kid. First of all he was bald, with a little hair on the sides of his head, which is pretty weird for a 17-year-old. He wore glasses, the kind of glasses that if any person with a perfect vision looks through he would probably see micro-organisms. Besides his strange look, it was also a little difficult to keep a conversation with Rick, he had some trouble expressing himself and he could only talk very slowly. He was also known by his frequent questions. Every time he raised his finger the class would listen to the next unnecessary question and the teacher`s obvious answer.
Despite all that he was now the ping pong star. Maybe that was a talent that nobody knew about and would now be revealed so Rick would upgrade from the class`s pet to the class`s champion. At least that was what Rick expected right before his first game. He was afraid to go down the stairs to where the ping pong table was. A massive group of students, not only from his class but from the rest of the school, was waiting for him to play, cheering with such a fervor he had never seen before. Everybody was screaming his name; there was even organized cheering. One girl would shout: “I want to hear an R!” and all the rest: “R!” Every time they finished spelling RICK they would jump and sing, repeating his name over and over. Nobody cared when he lost the game. The party continued in the class room and the next games until the end of the Olympics. At some point there was a huge sign with Rick`s picture in the class room, and he`s name was everywhere in the school.
None of the students knows exactly why Rick was such a success on their last high school year. They could be just making fun of him or maybe it was just a reason to have a good time. But at the end Rick became an icon, a hero, and nobody in his class will ever forget him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2IJFlLzjD0&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXy1eI5UTlY&NR=1

Nightlife

2010-01-31T16:38:00.000-08:00

All sorts of things happen in Sao Paulo at night. It`s hard to guess how your night is going to be. It could be something like this....

It`s 10 o’clock and you are already on your PJs, watching American Idol with your mom, when you get a call from your friend, letting you know that she`s coming over because her boyfriend (affair? lover? friend with benefits?) is going out and offering a ride. She arrives 30 minutes later, announcing that she`s going to use your shower and dryer because she didn`t have time to get her hair ready. She asks for a towel and tells you to call a couple of friends to see what`s on tonight. You then find out your friends are at the bar around the corner and, after one hour of washing, drying, changing and making up, you and your friend go meet the group at the bar. When you get there you notice the bar is closing, because your friends are the only people that are still there. So you drink the rest of the beer and get in someone`s car to the next destiny. The four cars are parked in a gas station so you can get some more beer and the girls can use the bathroom. You spend 40 minutes doing that. Someone calls one of your friends from another bar nearby and that becomes the next destiny. You get in someone else`s car this time. After a few turns around the block you find a parking spot and the bar. You get a little more beer, vodka, and other weird drinks. Someone gets annoyed by the lack of music in this bar, so half the group walks to a Samba house down the street. There, one of the couples has a fight because the guy got too drunk and started to act stupid. They leave the place and you find out you don`t have a ride home anymore. It`s only you, the friend that had been with you from the beginning and her ex-(actual? only on holidays?) boyfriend. You enjoy the Samba and a couple more beers before you decide to leave the place. Outside you find the fighting couple discussing still; the girl is crying and complaining that she can`t find her cell-phone. Everybody tries to call her mobile and gets to the conclusion that she must`ve dropped it in the car. They fight all the way to the car and leave, while you and the two remaining friends realize it`s already 5 and you`re starving. So you walk 6 blocks to a Burger restaurant and have your meal. Before your friends finish their sandwiches you are already sleeping on your chair. The waiter wakes you up to hand you a napkin with the phone number of the pink shirted guy on the other side of the room. Judging by the color of his shirt you decide is not even worth to say you`re not interested. You leave the napkin on your dirty plate and head out to get a cab. Finally home, you and your sister, who just arrived 10 minutes earlier, watch the sunrise from the balcony and go to bed.

Orkut Phenomenon

2010-01-03T08:48:00.000-08:00

Orkut is the Brazilian Facebook. And for the teenage world in São Paulo, if you don`t have an Orkut profile you don`t exist. It became a matter of status, your popularity is based on how many friends you`ve got. Many kids started to add anyone they know, or don`t know but have something in common: same school, same neighborhood, same last name. Anything was a reason for an addition to your profile. Result: in a city of 18 million people where everybody is connected somehow through this one website, the gossip increased in a gigantic scale.
To have an idea of how it actually happens I`ll give you an example: When that airplane crashed in Amazon killing 200 people, their profiles were visited by more than 100.000 people in one night. The flight attendants` profile received as many messages of “rest in peace” and messages of support to their families as their mail boxes could hold. Freaky, I know. But that`s how much Brazilians socialize.
I also heard of many relationships that started and that ended because of Orkut. Many people meet old friends there and end up finding a boyfriend or a girlfriend this way. And some couples actually fight because of Orkut gossip, messages from other people that made them jealous (the messages or “scraps” on Orkut are open to everyone on your friends list to see) or the fact the guy had too many girls, or the girl too many boys, on his/her list.
Another interesting thing about Orkut is the photo album. Every time you post a new picture, this information is sent to all of your friends. So you go to your profile and see that one of your friends posted new pictures you go there and look, of course. That increases the number of visits on that profile page, which increases the person`s popularity. So guess what teenagers, desperate to be popular, do? They take thousands of pictures of themselves and post a massive number of them, in a regular frequency, so people will keep visiting their profiles and making comments. The mirror picture became very popular, you know, when you take a picture of yourself and your beautiful camera reflexes. That also made bathrooms a common background for the pictures. Almost every bathroom`s got a mirror, right?
There was this one case of a girl, profile name “Tata”, that liked to post this kind of picture. She had full albums with pictures of herself on the mirror. Well nobody actually checked all of them out, not even her, apparently, but somebody was paying enough attention to actually notice her terrible mistake. You know when you are ready to shower but then decide to use the toilet first? Well, behind the smiley Tata, on her bathroom picture, there was her mother. The woman was sitting on the toilet, naked. It`s easy to miss it, but if you zoom it you can actually see the woman there, and that she needed to lose some weight. Of course you can`t stop laughing when you see it. So the very attentive person that notice the woman couldn`t help but sharing it with the world. He made a webpage with the picture, and a red circle to emphasize the naked mom, and sent it to his whole list of friends. Naturally his friends kept passing it forward. It didn`t take long to the whole city have a copy of the picture and Tata`s profile receive messages from thousands of people. People made jokes, rhymes, poems and even songs about Tata`s situation and they were all posted on her profile. On that night she was receiving 10 messages per second. I can only imagine the girl`s reaction when she first got online after the discovery.

2009-12-30T14:08:00.000-08:00

Hey! I haven`t posted anything in a while so I just decided to stick with this silly one before I write something decent. Thank you for reading! :)

Tale of a Lost Tail

2009-12-30T14:00:00.000-08:00

A mouse sticks his head out of the little crack on the wall, his whiskers scanning the room outside. There was nothing moving besides the little hungry mouse, but he had to be quick, he knew, if someone saw him there would be no dinner and he would be in serious danger. He rushed to the kitchen and surprisingly found a piece of grain, big enough for a meal. How lucky was that little mouse, that some negligent person lived in that house and made it so easy for him to find his food. He was ready to go back to his hole, proudly carrying the grain, when he suddenly saw it. He couldn`t believe his tiny eyes. Right across the room, so big and shiny, a mouthwatering piece of cheese. He thought for a second, with the grain and the cheese he would eat like a king and would still have some left for the next day. The idea of a great meal like this and not having to risk his life again the next day sounded too good to be ignored. He knew there was a risk, for he would have to go all the way across the room and someone might see him. But he was probably fast enough to run back to the hole.
He made up his mind. Caring the grain inside his cheek he ran across the room with courage and speed, never taking his eyes off the cheese. Getting closer it looked like a dream. That piece he saw from so far away was now so big. It was unbelievable the distraction of the person who left that piece behind, he thought, and unbelievable how lucky he was to find it.
The mouse`s luck wouldn`t last much longer. As soon as he grabbed the piece with all his might, the trap was trigged and his tail got stuck. The pain of the strike made the poor mouse spit the grain and let go of the cheese, his scream echoed on the kitchen`s walls. He was desperate, stuck and frightened. If someone saw him that was it. Right there on the rat`s trap. Over. What a horrible death, he thought, he couldn`t let it happen. He pulled with all his strength and finally freed himself. He ran as fast as he could back to the crack, leaving his tail, the cheese and the grain behind, never looking back.

Balloons

2009-11-24T08:17:00.000-08:00

There was no one home when Melissa got there around six. She was glad, this way no one would see her red eyes and ask why she had been crying. She was tired of being treated as a kid while everyone around her looked way more childish. The sixteen-year-old had spent all the way home wondering why all those things were happening to her, trying to find a solution for all of those problems, trying to find someone to blame. But there was no conclusion. She needed a distraction, so she opened her closet, packed with all sort of things not only hers but her brother and sister`s, and started to look for a book. She pulled the box she kept the old books she liked and something fell right by her feet: a bag of balloons.

George was always off at 6, he hated it. It was the worst time to head home, when the traffic at least doubles the time of his journey. In rainy days that time would double once more. He wasn`t feeling lucky anyway on that day, but he cursed the heavens when the rain started and he got stuck on Paulista Avenue. He tried to turn on the radio but then remembered it wasn`t there, he had been robbed on the weekend. He couldn`t help but go through all of his problems. His life didn`t seem to be as meaningful as it had seemed before, his family didn`t seem to be a dream that came true but the root of his problems. Even the thought of his wife, that he loved for 6 years of marriage, didn`t seem to quite please him. He wanted to run away from all that but he knew he couldn`t, he had responsibilities. He hated the responsibilities he got for himself.

It was just a bag of colorful balloons, but it inspired Melissa in such a way that she couldn`t let it pass. She opened the bag and started blowing the balloons. There were pink, blue, white, yellow, green and orange ones, they looked so pretty together, so cheering. She simply kept blowing them until the bag was empty, the apartment completely filled with them and her lips dry and pale. She looked around and enjoyed the sight of all those colorful things spread all over the floor. But she wasn`t quite satisfied. She got a black marker and started to draw a smiley face on one of them. She was about to start drawing a heart on the next one when her mom arrived, looking a little confused with all that mess.

When George finally got home, as ironic as it could be, the rain stopped. His wife was having trouble with the three-year-old and trying to feed the baby. The older kid was yelling, complaining of something he wanted. The baby was crying and spiting the food off. George didn`t even get the chance to say hi, for his wife was demanding for help, telling him tons of things to do and asking if he had brought any milk. He had forgotten about the milk. It didn`t take long for the arguing start and soon both adults were yelling and both kids were crying. George couldn`t stand that anymore, leaving the kids to his wife, he went out to the front porch to get some fresh air.

Melissa complimented her mom but got back to what she was doing. It took her a few seconds to notice how her mom was just standing there, looking at her with a surprised expression, without even letting go of her purse. Melissa reached another marker and offered her. They were now both doing all sort of cute drawing on the balloons, writing some kind words and even some funny ones too. They were laughing and having such a great time, it seemed right to spread that to other people. They took the balloons out on the balcony and started letting them go with the wind, from the 15th floor of the building. It took them a while to go back inside; they watched the balloons flying away until the last one of them was out of sight.

Even though he was trying to quit, George lit a cigarette. He had been wandering in front of the house for a few minutes when he saw, coming from a high level of a building of the neighborhood, a bunch of balloons flying away. It was a pretty sight, he thought. There were pink, blue, white, yellow, green and orange balloons flying over that middle class district. He watched as some of them came to his direction. George tossed his cigarette in time to grab an orange balloon with a smiley carrot drawn on it. He laughed at the nonsense. But something on that senseless orange balloon brought him up. He got back inside with it, his wife had almost completely calmed down the baby, but his son was still wining. As soon as he saw the balloon on his father`s hand, the kid totally forgot what he was wining about and went out to the yard to play with it. The house was suddenly back to normal. George kissed his wife and went to the kitchen to help her get the dinner ready.

Crime

2009-11-22T17:50:00.000-08:00

She walked through that same street she walks every day. The same houses, same trees, same lights, she paid no attention to them, it was all the same. She worked two blocks from the main avenue, and lived at about 6 blocks away on the other side. When she gets to the main avenue, she thought, she would check her balance at the bank. She didn`t notice the man walking on the opposite direction, wearing jeans and striped shirt. Every time she noticed someone suspicious walking by her, she would cross the street and pretend being interested on something on the other side. She was terrified of muggers. And who would have guessed that this middle-class looking man would be about to rob her? He approached her next to a tree, showed the knife in his pocket, and demanded for her purse.
- Oh my God! – her heart beating as fast as it can – Please, my kid`s medicine is in it. Look, I`ll give you my money…
- Ok! Ok! Just give me your wallet. – He thought for a second and decided he needed to sound more frightening – And your mobile, pass me the mobile!
- OK, here! – terrified, she took the huge cell phone out of her purse, making it look a lot lighter. The artifact was probably several years old.
- And that`s all you have? – he asked while he took the 50 bucks out of her wallet.
- Yes, yes, it is! I swear!
- Right.
It`s hard to tell if it was because of Josiane`s expression of fear, or because of the giant dinosaur cell phone, or because of the kid`s medicine, but something on the crime scene touched Vanderlei`s heart. He was already looking to the sides to see if there was anyone watching them and run away when he turned back to Josiane, scaring her out again, and started to explain himself.
- Look, I`m sorry…
Josiane`s eyes were wide open, but she was less scared now and more curious.
- I am ill, you know, I got AIDS. The medicines are so expensive and I end up in the hospital every week, I had no other way out. I hope you understand.
- But… - she was getting emotive – Have you looked for help? You know, government help? There are some projects that help people in your conditions.
- It`s all bullshit! They help a couple of people and say they are doing their part, throw commercials on TV and make all that noise, all lies! You see, Ma`m… I`m sorry, what`s your name?
- It`s Bruna – she didn`t think long to answer, than realized he had her wallet with her ID in it – Josiane, I`m sorry, it`s the habit.
- I understand, we can`t trust people now a days.
Jo was feeling comfortable already.
- Yeah, especially when they rob you! - she laughed, he joined her.
- How rude of me! Take your wallet with all your documents, it`s so much work to get new ones and you`ve got kids to take care of. Here, take it back.
He took the money and gave her back her wallet.
- Oh, wow! Thank you!
- You can have this back too.
He gave her back her mobile. He didn`t notice her expression of dislike, the phone was covered by an insurance.
- Well – said Jo – can you walk me to the main avenue then? It`s only one block ahead.
He stared at her, suspicious.
- Oh, no! – she hurried to explain herself – I won`t even go to the police, I just want to avoid any more trouble. It`s getting dark now, what if someone else try to mug me and I don`t have any money left? What would he do to me? Would you believe me if I said: hey, sorry, I don`t have any money, some other mugger took it 5 minutes ago, maybe he`s a friend of yours. He would stab me for the disrespect.
Vanderlei laughed, but took a step back.
- Sorry Josiane, I hope you understand. I also have a son, we are waiting for the exams. Let`s hope he doesn`t have the virus.
- Oh, yeah, let`s hope so. Good luck! And Good luck on your treatment.
- Thank you.
They walked away, like 2 old friends that met on the street.
As soon as Jo got home she started to tell her sister what happened.
- Jesus, Jo! You got robbed?
- Yeah, he had a knife and took my money!
- You must call the police! – but Jo already had her phone in hands.
- I have a more important call to make… Hello! Yeah, I`d like to cancel my cell phone`s insurance. You want to know why? I`ll tell you why! Because the mugger gave it back, that`s why!

Hello!

2009-11-22T17:27:00.000-08:00

After spending some time abroad I decided, as a Brazilian, that I love my country and I wanted to show people why. But what do I know about Brazil? I didn`t really travel a lot around the country. I realized what I love is actually São Paulo, the city I know better than anywhere else in the world. I grew up in a middle class neighborhood on the west side of the city. I was always fascinated about people and their cultures, so I guess I was on the right place. As any big city, São Paulo has got a bit of everything in culture, religion, ethnic, etc; but this one has some peculiarities that you couldn`t find anywhere else in the world and I could only understand that when I was away. I also noticed then, that most people know so little about life here that I felt like telling them all about São Paulo. But how can I show the real São Paulo to someone who`s never been to it? I`ve read some statistics, hoping that they would help:
The population is of about 18 million people; the average life expectancy is 62 years for men and 70 for women; 70% of people are Roman Catholic; the temperature is warm and slightly humid, the average being 21C in January and 14C in July.
It sounds like an interesting city, doesn`t it? Except that’s not São Paulo.
18 million people is the sense, but there is no sense of how many people live in each favela of the city, and that being a really large area (not as large as Rio in proportions but pretty large) I wouldn`t be surprised if that number increased. The average life expectancy is probably lower than many nice cities in Europe and in the U.S. Well, my grandma is 80 years old and she walks up and down the hill to go shopping for lunch, go out in the afternoon for a walk in the mall and watches the soap-opera in the evening. Many old ladies in Sao Paulo follow similar routines and what I always hear from foreigners that come here is that a lady of that age in their country would be confined at home, or a nursing home, unable to do stuff by herself. The Roman Catholic fact is actually interesting because most of those called catholic don`t even go to church. And you can easily find “catholics”, even the ones that do go to church, trusting the Orixas, carrying Jewish amulets for luck and having little Buddha’s in their houses to keep a “zen” environment. Besides, my TV has 5 Evangelic channels, a Christian religion of fanatics that has got very popular in the city. They show on TV their huge churches, crowded with believers screaming and yelling their prayers, while there`s no Catholic channel or much mention of the religion on regular ones. About the average temperature of São Paulo I just can`t figure it out, in any season. First you wake up and it`s freezing cold outside, so you get a nice coat and put an umbrella in your bag just in case; you come back for lunch carrying the coat because is sunny and warm and when you go out in the afternoon you leave the umbrella because there is no sight of rain; you come home in the evening soaked wet because a storm came out of nowhere, felt for half an hour and it was suddenly cold again. I have pictures of Christmas parties on which I`m wearing very light summer clothes, and others that I`m wearing sweaters.
All that make the statistic look a little controversial, don`t you think? This city is made of disparities and details that make it special. To understand the controversies of it you would need to live each one of them like the Paulistanos (people from São Paulo). So I think the best way to show how São Paulo really is, would be by stories that people have to tell about their daily lives in the city. I have a bunch of stories myself, that happened to me or to people I know, so I`ll share as many as I can. Hope you`ll enjoy!